This month has been full of mini emotional fits. I say mini because they aren’t big enough to be considered real fits but they are just big enough to be recognizable and annoying. They actually started in December around the holidays when I was constantly battling my feelings of loneliness and it seemed like a was a million planets away from my family and friends. Once the holidays were over I assumed the fits would disappear, especially since Amber was on her way to visit me, to cure me of my lonely sickness. I felt the need to take her in completely — absorb every second as if it were my last living and breathing moment of “sissy time” or any family contact whatsoever. It was desperation disguised as, well…I actually don’t think it was disguised. I’m pretty sure Amber could smell my desperation from the plane and did the best she could to make our time special. It amazes me how much I rely on her for a multitude of emotional issues that I seem to have and she has all the right advice for. No wonder people think she is my older sister. Unfortunately Amber was not the remedy and when she left, the fits continued sporadically. In fact, I hate to admit this but I think Amber being here made me feel even lonelier and more confused.
Since she left I have been more or less a hermit, staying in my house and spending a lot of downtime with myself. The weekend that she left I didn’t go out at all. Instead, I watched movies, read half of a book and did nothing more but try and detox from a week of non-routine. I made a sad attempt to text a few of my friends just in case I was missing out on something. No one was doing anything and I felt better knowing that I wasn’t the only one being a big bag of lazy and enjoying it.
This past week I focused on getting back into my routine of working and exercising and I even hung out with a few people other than myself. I rediscovered the genius that is my ipod — a lonely person’s super companion and emotional steering wheel. Every time I experienced a lonely “fit” I plugged my headphones in and tuned out the “nag” with some of my favorite upbeat bands, specifically an old favorite, The Strokes.
I worry that these fits are not going to go away, that my mid 20’s will be plagued by this black hole inside of me. As I think more about this I realize that I was having these fits back in DC as well and they were part of the reason that I decided to flip my world upside down and move to the other side of the earth. I don’t take them as a sign that I need to return home since they were the exact feelings that made me leave all the comforts of home in the first place. They happen as part of my need for “life answers”. It is the negative side of my adventure in discovering who I am and what I need to do to be content with myself and my life. I just wish they wouldn’t happen so frequently and sit in the front row of my mind.