Autumn’s Adventures


The Saboteur
May 19, 2009, 12:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am an idiot.  I’m just like every other girl I criticize that has men problems. I am no better and I have finally *really* realized that I sabotage myself almost every single time when I’m with a guy I like.  I think about all of the guys I have had an opportunity to date and how every time things ended I blamed them for being the wrong “guy” or the idiot when in reality from the beginning I was putting an invisible chastity belt on myself without even realizing it.  My friends of course didn’t help me to realize this. For them, it is easier to criticize and blame the guy versus making me feel worse than I already do after being rejected by telling me that it was actually my fault.

I’m so concerned about guys respecting me and about not having “relations” until I have a boyfriend that in the process I scare away every potential suitor.  To them I am not communicating “respect me, I’m worth the wait”, but rather, I’m holding a giant red warning sign that says “watch out, I’m complicated!”  I may know what I want but I don’t have a very good elevator speech for it and in that 11 seconds I normally blow it. “Hi my name is Autumn, I will not have sex with you until you are my boyfriend and I demand your full respect from day 1. I know we just met but please follow these rules before even knowing my last name.”

If a guy wants to have “relations” with me too early in the dating phase I say no without hesitation, without thinking twice.  But the not thinking twice thing is was gets me in trouble because I don’t just stop at the word “no”.  My no is always followed by “because of x,y,z” which guys are not interested in hearing and which is in fact a giant turnoff.  I don’t know why I think I need to defend or rationalize my “no.” No means no. Simple as that.  Guys throw out the sex question because to them it’s like casting a fishing reel.  Sometimes you catch a fish, sometimes you don’t and either way it doesn’t hurt to keep on casting.

This isn’t a new concept to me.  Guys have told me outright that this is the way it is. BUT when a guy shows interest in me and I like him back, I start to think too much about the situation and therefore throw almost all of my rational thoughts and previous “lessons learned” out the window.  I act on my insecurities, my heart is driving my thoughts and my rational brain goes on vacation. It’s just a fact of our biological differences.  No matter how much I want to fight it and think that I can fall in love rationally, I am just like every other member of my gender: Our heart takes the lead and more often than not it fucks us over.  Unless you are like my abnormally rational younger sister who seems to have a better head on her shoulders than I do when it comes to love.

Because of this “heart defect” I fall very quickly for someone if things seem to be going well. It is hard to suppress what I am thinking or feeling. I can’t easily go with the flow and see where the wind takes me. I will analyze every single detail of my encounters with a guy I like.  For some reason, talking out my “crazy” with my girlfriends doesn’t get it out my system.  I mean, my girlfriends are supposed to be my crazy blocker but apparently they aren’t blocking enough. Crazy takes me over and tells me that I need to go to the source, the actual dude and talk to him about the things that are silently driving me mad.  Bad idea, heart.

With Dani, he made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship but I still went with it just to see if it would end up differently — I was trying out the “go-with-the-flow” method.  After a month he was still singing the same non-committal tune and my feelings for him were only getting stronger (self-generated, he didn’t really give me any reason to like him more).  I was surprised that I lasted that long without spilling my emo-thoughts all over him but even a month isn’t very long at all.  After 1 month I did the crazy talk and he said we would be better as friends.  About 6 months later I come to find out he is dating someone, probably because she went with the flow and didn’t release her crazy like I did.

With boys in the US…well the same thing would happen.  I’d have 1-month trysts with these guys that I’d really like. I’d hit the 1 month mark and I’d be itching to talk about where it was going and what i expected of them — I just hated wasting time going through the motions of something so uncertain.  I didn’t necessarily set up ultimatums. I didn’t say “you have to be my boyfriend by the end of the month or else.” it was more like “i really don’t want to be in limbo like this if it isn’t going anywhere.”  Which, after a little reflection is actually a really passive aggressive ultimatum — one of the worst kinds.  No wonder none of them worked out.  Had I just kept my giant mouth shut most of them may have turned into something potentially significant.  The guys weren’t bad guys and I still talk to some of them on occasion.  It was just my method that was flawed.

I bring this whole topic up because I successfully terminated another opportunity with a guy in less than 4 days.  I met him Thursday, had lunch with him on Friday, spent the whole afternoon with him on Friday, enjoyed the day so much that I thought about it all Saturday and Sunday, made a bigger deal about it than it was, talked about it on Monday with the guy, talked about my feelings/respect/etc and in the end he said “well then its best if we are just friends so that I do not shame you.” haha shame me. shiiiit.

Another one bites the dust. AHHH it is so frustrating.  My new strategy is to put up a list of “DO NOT DO’s” on my wall to remind me what not to do if another guy comes along that I fancy.  It will go as follows:

1. Just say “no” when they ask the sex question.  NOTHING MORE! If they ask ‘why not’ just say “if you don’t know why then you don’t deserve it anyway” If they keep pressing you, just fucking get up and leave.
2. Do not utter the word boyfriend or girlfriend. Just don’t.
3. Do not talk about respecting yourself. Show it by demanding it without words.

Sounds obvious, right? Just writing them out makes me feel a little bit stupid but I realize now that my brain is back from vacation. Try telling these things to your heart when it is crazy full with butterflies and mixed feelings and it will fight you to the death.

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Hmmm… I dunno… I still feel like trying to be something that you aren’t (ie: trying to stifle urges) won’t help. You’ll still feel the same, you just won’t be saying it out loud, and then when crazy eventually pops it will be like WHOAAAAAAA. Just be you. You are fab.

Comment by llauren321

Hmmm… I dunno… I still feel like trying to be something that you aren’t (ie: trying to stifle urges) won’t help. You’ll still feel the same, you just won’t be saying it out loud, and then when crazy eventually pops it will be like WHOAAAAAAA. Just be you. You are fab.

Comment by llauren321

yeah…you are right. Thanks, loverpants. I guess when I wrote this post I was freaking out. Like I had realized God did exist or something haha and he showed me the light. Now my emotions have settled down and I’m not so worried about it.

Comment by admin

yeah…you are right. Thanks, loverpants. I guess when I wrote this post I was freaking out. Like I had realized God did exist or something haha and he showed me the light. Now my emotions have settled down and I’m not so worried about it.

Comment by admin




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